The Hangover Special

This is for all of us who have woken up with that yucky taste in their mouth and a grumblin in their tummy and realized they have nothing to eat in the fridge. Or for those of us lucky enough to still be employed, after a rough Thursday night, sitting at your desk friday morning contemplating death, where do you go for a quick hit of grease to coat that stomach? Herein lies the answer to those questions if you are brave enough to enter a fast food joint for breakfast.

Now I put this note up now, this research has been compiled over time and under duress.

Lucky for you though, this compilation was partly made in airports, which means I had access to Dunkin Donuts!

So what are we dealing with? Well, you know we have Dunkin, which features a sausage egg and cheese on croissant. We also have Mcds with a sausage egg and cheese on a biscuit with a hash brown, and BK with a double croissanwich and hash browns. Also I got coffee from all 3...

So here we go!

Since BK is freshest in my mind, as my stomach is gurgling it now... The double croissanwich is a 2 layers of egg, 2 slices cheese, 1 sausage patty and 2 slices of bacon. It looks big and plump in the picture, but when I opened it up, I felt like a girl at the prom, disappointed at its size... But I jumped right on it anyway cause I needed it real bad! And sometimes size doesnt matter, because it actually tasted pretty damn good. I think with most breakfast sandwiches, when you go sausage, sausage becomes the dominant flavor and in this case that was true. It tasted like a perfect breakfast sausage. The croissant was definitely nothing resembling fresh, most definitely it had been frozen, so it didnt have that nice flakiness that you want from a croissant. and I can't say I tasted the cheese or eggs much, not that you need to, they just add to the bottom line of flavor. The bacon showed up every few bites to add a nice zing. Overall, I liked the sandwich because I like sausage, but it could be better. And if you don't go for sausage, well... just like a girl on prom night, you will be disappointed.

I've decided to finish sandwiches before we move on...

Next up in Mcds. I remember for the longest time thinking the biscuit sandwich with sausage and egg was the best fast food idea around. Maybe because when I think of biscuits I think of perfectly soft and buttery biscuits that I would get with gravy at a diner. So when I bit into this disappointing small sandwich(yes, Mcds suffers from the same lack of size issues that BK does) I was thoroughly disappointed. The biscuit was thick, and dense and dry. The sausage pattyhad a bit less flavor that that from BK. and the eggs... well, they were the same. Basically, the biscuit ruined my childhood memories of this once great sandwich, oh memories why have you forsaken me!

And finally there is DnD. The croissant here was a fresh croissant, or at least as fresh as DnD can provide, which is still much better than BKs croissant. It was actually flaky when I ate it! It was also bigger! I mean size is EVERYTHING! so big, and so filling. I was satiated like the prom queen(is she ever disappointed?). The sausage patty was also moister, and the cheese and eggs just seemed tastier and fresher too. What does that mean, it means less typing, because this sandwich was just that much better! DnD rocked it out!

So what have we learned here. Basically, its the bread that makes the sandwich. The fresher the better.

Moving on the hash browns. DnD didnt have any to offer, so they are out. Now Mcds does the single large hash brown. Again, my memory told me that this was prefered to the multiple little hash browns at BK. And again my memory must not be worth shit. The Mcds patty, though it was a bit crisp, was so insanely greasy, that it countered any crispness there might have been. And the flavor, not sure what it was, but it was like fake potato. God I was disappointed. BK has the pack of mini hash browns. These were actually much better. They were all crisp, and not greasy at all. I'm sure that has a lot to do with the size, as the little ones hold less oil inside the crisp outside. and they are bite size, how cute. I'm so confused, does size matter anymore?

Now we also have coffee to discuss, but honestly, anyone who has been to DnD knows that no matter how much work McDs has put into their coffee, DnD is still king of coffee. I mean come on, America Runs on Dunkin!

So what does it all mean? If you live on the east coast you are a lucky SOB, because you have DnD, which has the best sandwiches and coffee. So if anyone at Dunkin headquarters is reading this, stop making all us east coast expats sad, and give me dunkin in california. I mean shit, I had dunkin donuts in Panama for christs sake! Please help us!

PS. I wrote this blog while watching Lost Boys, talk about hangover cure!

The Not Taco Bell Challenge

So my roommate is a SoCal girl, and for years now has been raving about Del Taco, a California taco chain ala Taco Bell, but better. Now I know mexican food is better here in Cali, but we're talking about something better than Taco Bell, and to this I said IMPOSSIBLE! Lucky for me, there is a Del Taco downtown, and I finally took the plunge and wandered in for a tasting. Did I run to Taco Bell after to make it official? No, I've had Taco Bell enough times(00s, 000s?) that I know that place inside and out. So, how was Del Taco? read on!

So walking in, I set up shop to investigate the menu. As my roommate said, it is like Taco Bell, but I believe she said its better, fresher, and more mexican than my beloved TB. And upon first glance, the menu seems more straight forward, basically tacos and burritos, no Gorditas, multi layered tacos or other Pepsi inspired food stuff. But then that whole aura was blasted to Hell! why? they have a value menu, tacos, burritos and drinks, same as you would expect. Except for 1 thing! The meals have FRENCH FRIES! FRENCH FRIES!?!?!?!?! on a mexican fast food menu. Even taco bell wouldn't do that! and then I saw they have BURGERS! Friggin BURGERS AND FRIES ON A MEXCIAN MENU?!?!?!?!?! For all the wonderful, non truly mexican inspirations that TB comes up with, at least they follow the same tried and true message of being faux mex. This was straight BLASPHEMY! 

So, with a heavy, sad heart, I went up to order some tacos and burritos. Order made, they told me they didn't take credit cards. Really? Maybe this place is more mexican than I thought, totally low tech. So I shelled out my Pesos and got my food. Of course, they hide the hot sauces, so you have to ask. which is a pain. And eating in I had to ask for napkins, again, hidden. 

So what did I think about the food. I had a standard burrito and a standard taco, both beef. The taco shell was normal and crunchy, and boring. The beef was straight regular, nothing exceptional. And this is where they failed. I was not inspired. Why we love TB is they make the flavor unique, they season their beef so I hides the origin of the beef, but it tastes oh so good. This was bland. toss on the tomatoes, lettuce and cheese, and its still boring. The burrito, with beef and beans, basically I say the same thing. I loaded both up with the Del Taco hot sauce, and it became almost tasty, but their hot sauce lacks the flavor of TB sauce. 

So in the end, my roommate, who will remain nameless on my blog, since almost every reader has met her anyway, was dead wrong! Del Taco was a waste of my time and money. Let us never speak of it again. And now I'm off to TB to get some real faux mex flavor!

5! $5! $5 hole in my stomach!

Yes, the economy is crashing further and further, but we still need to get a full meal, 4 food groups, for not a lot of money. And thanks to the sandwich battles, you can get stuffed for only $5. So here it is, Round 1 of Subway vs Quiznos! Yes, round 1! These 2 massive franchises have such huge and complimentary menus, this is gonna take some work to compare over time.  Now, yes, like many of you, I too wish Schlotzsky's existed in more places, but you take what you can...

So, for round 1, I had to start with my favorite subway sub, MEATBALLS! and quiznos also has a meatball sub, so we have a challenge. For those of you who have been to subway many times, you probably know the meatball marinara is one of the tastiest items on the menu. And if you have any friends who have ever worked at subway, they have warned you never to eat the meatballs because of all the horrible things they put into them(read hooves, eyeballs, intestines and who knows what else), but being a culinarian, I love the whole beast!

So lets talk subway vs quiznos meatball ordering experience. First, subway offers 5 choices of freshly baked breads(white, wheat, italian, italian herb and cheese, sourdough, others?). I will point out now that quiznos only offers 2 choices, white or wheat. So at subway they slather meatballs and extra sauce onto my italian herb and cheese bread and give me my choice of cheese, provolone. cheddar and swiss are also options, quiznos gave me no options :-(, just put it together and put in the warming machine. after freshly toasting my sub and subway, fixin bar here I come! now, subway offers you everything under the sun to finish your sub. lettuce, tomato, onion, spinach, dressings, pickles, jalapenos, banana peppers, and so much else, its almost dizzying. Quiznos on the other hand does it all for you, but leaves you a small fixin bar, jalapenos, pickles, banana peppers and other peppers. Subway really makes it your way with so many more options. But at quiznos, you can take all you want of the limited fixins. So preliminarily, I would say the subway experience in ordering is superior, just because you have so many more options to make your sub so much more! but looks can be deceiving, can't they, hahahahahaha!(think evil cackle)

On to the tasting! On both subs I went with jalapenos, peppers and pickles only. Since I didn't say so before, I went wheat on my quiznos sub. 

So, lets compare the breads. though subway gave me more options, the toasting process didn't actually help the bread at all, and actually made it kinda hard in not a good way on one side. The quiznos bread, though only boring old wheat, tasted much fresher, better texture, and better toasting. 

The fixings on both subs were the same. I am gonna guess they both get their sliced pickles, jalapenos and peppers from Sysco(the Costco of the restaurant industry, all the little things in hugemungous(and yes, this is now a real word, spell check didn't even flinch) bulk). 

So whats left, the meatballs marinara. Ok, now subway hit me up with extra sauce to make it more moist and tasty. And I have been lovin subway meatball subs for many years.  And this was my first meatball sub at quiznos. And WOW! quiznos really was just that much better. i mean, their meatballs tasted like real italian meatballs, just like mamma bernstein would make. after tasting them, honestly, I could barely even taste any real flavor coming from the subway meatballs. It like if you have ever gone to a real wine tasting. You start with the lesser wines, and as you drink the better wines, you go back to compare to the lesser wines, and even those lesser wines that had tasted good to you before, now taste completely bland! why, because your taste buds have experienced something better, more flavorful, more depth, and those taste buds, and they are your buds because good friends don't lead you astray, have shown you the light. subway meatball marinara, you are, the weakest link. GOODBYE!

I'm A Lumberjack and I'm OK!

I eat pancakes all damn day! Or at least I did today. FREE Denny's Grand Slam. Which led to me realize, this is leading to this weeks blog. So, who else knows pancakes... hmmm... OH YA! IHOP! Yes, remember those days as a kid when you and the folks took a lazy saturday trip to the International House of Pancakes. Or maybe it was those late college and post college knights, when you get out of the bar at 2am(damn early closing) and remember(like all other nights) that IHOP is still open! YES! Pancakes, eggs, french toast, steak, biscuits and gravy. Everything your body needs to help aid you in progressing its purge agenda(I have never vomited after IHOP, can't say the same for many people in the Philly suburbs). So here I am, one grand slam down, or as the rest of America calls it, a Lumberjack breakfast, hence the title. Pancakes, eggs, sausage, bacon, hashbrowns. Now todays free breakfast at Dennys did not include hashbrowns, but don't you worry, I know, and I know their hashbrowns as well... Its 2 blocks from my apt and open 24/7!

And away we go!

Lets start with the eggs, this should be easy. I went over easy at both places. Did either egg taste any better, not at all. But as with any date, first appearances are important. The IHOP eggs came looking perfectly cooked with the yolks dead center and the whole thing a nice circle. Dennys, well... not so pretty. Score 1 for IHOP.

On to the meats! Bacon first. Now, bacon is great, no matter what. But not all bacon is created equal. Denny's bacon looked quite flacid and not hugely appetitzing. Taste was ok, texture was a bit to uncrispy. IHOP on the other hand looked beautiful, like Sports Illustrated Swim Suit issue hot! just the right amount of crispiness to go with great bacon flavor. YUM! Now, I wish I could say Dennys' sausages made up for it, but they didn't. Small, lacking that bite you get when you dig it, and kinda bland. IHOP, well, aside from being bigger(size matters, we all know it), it also was crispier on the outside and juicier and tastier on the inside. A clean sweep for the IHOP meat.

Moving on to spuds, the hashbrowns at both places are actually quite similar, though for once, I feel like they were crispier at Denny's, so by rule, I give them a victory here. Or I would, but I won't. Why? Because my hashbrown loyalties lie elsewhere. For those of us who have lived or visited the dirty south, you know, deep down in your soul, that the words Scattered, Smothered and Covered mean something, and it didn't come out of a snuff film. Yes, Waffle House is the standard bearer for hashbrowns, now and forever. 

So finally we come to pancakes. Both come with the requisite artery clogging ice cream scoop of butter, which is totally unnecessary but always used. And we wonder why this country is fat and has high cholesterol... Side by side, really, they aren't too far apart in goodness. But IHOP I felt was a bit lighter and fluffier, which means you can eat more of them(and IHOP has an unlimited pancake deal running, so that is key). But the real trump card that throws IHOP far past Dennys, is the syrup. Dennys gave me a little glass on syrup. IHOP gave me 4 BIG bottles of strawberry, blueberry, butter pecan and original syrup. Which means that each bite can be a totally different experience. And oh I loves me some butter pecan!

So yes, Its blatantly obvious that if you are a lumberjack in the wilderness of America and you are hungry, go to IHOP. And for the rest of you, go to IHOP as well, unless you crave hash browns, and then pray for Waffle House.

Turtleheads forever!

Bucket Bowl 2009!

Its the Wednesday before the Superbowl. Where will you be Sunday if not in Tampa Bay? Will you be at your favorite sports bar with your friends and 1000 other strangers, downing wings and pitchers and holding that piss because the line for the bathroom is too long. Or more likely, in this day of HiDef TVs, you will be at home with a few friends and beers, and saving a ton of money in this horrible economy. But that leaves one question, what food will you be eating. Its the Superbowl, which means FRIED CHICKEN! But will it be KFC(no longer Kentucky Fried Chicken) or Popeyes, the dirty spinach swilling chicken of the south. 

Being on a limited budget myself and not wanting to clog my arteries too fast, the challenge is simple, which fried chicken and biscuit is better? To work up my appetite and kill some calories, I ventured down to the Fillmore section of San Fran where Popeyes and KFC live within 2 blocks of each other. You ask how does a 2 block walk kill calories. If you knew the neighborhood, you would know that you have to RUN from the restaurant to avoid the junkies hounding you for change. So really, after stopping in to Popeyes for a To Go order, I sprinted to KFC, not just to keep my change, but so noone would jump me for my food. But I digress, on to the food.

As I said, simple is the challenge, 2 pc Leg and Thigh with a Biscuit from both places. And we all know that even though white meat costs more, dark meat is better! Silly breasts.

On to the chicken. After digging into a leg of Popeyes, I find a nice crunch, with a bit of that Cajun flavor they claim to have. A nice few bites of fried goodness. So with that, I delved into the leg of KFC. First thing I get is salt, more than the Popeyes chicken. Then the pepper kicks in, not a bad finish, but maybe a bit heavy-handed. But the kicker here was the grease. I mean holy Marty Bernstein forehead! I felt like I had just bathed in grease, exponentially more so than Popeyes.  You can only hope the thighs would compare closer, but obviously wishes don't come true, and the flavor was in Popeyes favor, and KFC still has buckets more grease. All pieces had about the same amount of meat. I would also say that the lack of grease made the crunch of the fried skin on Popeyes that much better. In the end, hands down, Popeyes wins the chicken portion of the program. 

On to the Biscuits! I switched it up here and went KFC first. The first impression and most important, this is a dry biscuit. From there, I realize that there isn't much flavor either, much less the salt I got from the chicken. Now Popeyes biscuit on the otherhand was moist, and full of buttery flavor, with a nice salt finish. Now KFC did try to save themselves, in that they provided me a buttery spread packet for my biscuit. Now while this did add a bit of butter flavor, dry was still the order of the day. Popeyes hands down is the better biscuit. 

Conclusion, I think that is obvious at this point. But one more point in favor of Popeyes, the 2 pc and a biscuit cost $1.99 vs $3.65 for the same meal(with buttery spread) at KFC. So skip the wait at KFC this sunday if you are staying home, and go for Popeyes. 

Look for the next post within the week. And thanks for participating in this artery clogging fun!

~FastFoodDude

The Not-So-Angry Whopper

Funny how it happens that again it is a rainy day in San Francisco and I am eating fast food. Today's battle, the original Whopper vs. the Angry Whopper. Now, it has probably been a solid 6 years at least since my last whopper, so lets rehash shall we since I'm sure many of you haven't had one in a while either. What makes the whopper special? flame broiling? maybe. I definitely caught the smell and flavor of the flame process, though in watching them prepare my burger, I saw no actual flames, just a steamed patty. Ah the power of chemicals. The addition of a pound of not so real mayo with a pinch of ketchup sounds out the flavor here, with the addition of crunch lettuce, which may be the best part of the whopper. So as you can tell, the original may not be faring so well in the first place, which means the Big Mac may be safe.
Moving on to the Angry whopper, all the things that aren't great about the regular whopper are drowned out here by the overwhelming taste of the not-so-angry, quite tangy and tomatoey spicy sauce. Yes, there is a hint of kick at the end, but nothing "angry", even when I got a big bite full of jalapenos. So the burger is mostly drowned out. And then there is the 2 slices of bacon, that serve absolutely no purpose but to charge you more money, because they too are drowned out, as is the cheese, so lonely and melted. Again, this sandwich has crunch, both in the lettuce and in the "angry" onion rings, which being fried is good for crunch, useless for taste. Basically, in the end, you are left with the overwhelming taste of the tangy, not spicy sauce.
The verdict: both sandwiches are losers, don't waste your money on either. The only thing angry in the end will be your wallet and your stomach(2 whoppers and a hangover is a bad idea)

Cheesey Gordita Crunch Challenge

It was a rainy day in San Francisco, the perfect day to take a short bus ride to the nearest taco bell for the cheesey crunchie challenge, pitting the original cheesey crunchy we all know and love against the new kid on the block, the bacon cheddar cheesey crunchy. we all know the original, so I will go into discussion on the bacon cheddar. the first thing you notice is the overwhelming taste of smoky bacon flavor. it wasnt enough obviously to stick some bacon pieces in with the cheese, they had to go all out and make a smokey bacon cheddar sauce to go with it. at first, i would say it was a bit much, but goin bite for bite with the original, I found that the bacon flavor after a few bites sinks in with all the accompanying flavors and textures that we know and love about the cheesey crunchie. so the question arises, does bacon truly make everything better? after some serious contemplation I decided that in this case, though the bacon flavor was in the end a nice addition, the original cheesey crunchy sticks to that tried and true taco bell flavor profile of faux mexican goodness, and the original is still the best. so for those who have not gone out and taken the challenge, please do so, and the conversation/debate can rage on.
Cheesey for life!